Today we have a treat — a post written by one of TNC’s new contributors, Christy. You’ll be hearing all about each of our new writers very soon, but for now, I hope you’ll welcome her by enjoying this hilarious and truth-packed post about how to have your worst — or best — year yet. 

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You’re a week into 2015, and already, the year has hit a couple of snags. The lofty resolutions you made seem daunting, and you’re wondering how to navigate the days ahead. We’ve all seen the articles about how to realistically make the most of our year. Well, let’s try something different today.

We know that there are ways to make the year great and ways to make it totally miserable. For now, let’s focus on the latter. Here are some guaranteed techniques to have a sensationally awful 2015.

Maintain rigid expectations for yourself

Disappointment is a key ingredient for a terrible year, and there is no way to develop it faster than by setting wildly unreasonable expectations. Maybe your resolution for 2015 is to live a healthier lifestyle, but hey, why not kick it up a notch? Instead of creating small, manageable goals, just say something like, “This time, next week, I will weigh as much as a trash bag filled with feathers,” and then see how crappy you feel when next week rolls around and you are still at a normal human weight. Do this regularly in all areas of your life, and pretty soon you’ll have a substantial collection of disappointments. Oh, and of course, don’t forget to place these same unreasonable desires on your friends and loved ones. Bonus points if you don’t tell them your expectations until they’ve already failed to meet them.

Practice negative self-talk at the first sign of defeat

Have you ever been told to “be gentle on yourself” when trying new things? Well, that’s wonderful advice for anyone looking to better themselves, but it’s pretty terrible advice if you’re aiming to make this your worst year ever. Try, instead, showing absolutely no grace to yourself. When things don’t go as you planned, simply assume that it’s all your fault, and be sure to tell yourself so regularly. This will be an absolute lie since, as we all know, setbacks are just a part of the natural order of things, but believing lies is crucial when it comes to having a truly bad year.

Compare yourself to others, strangers and friends alike

Speaking of lies, if you really want to do this thing right, you should buy into the belief that everyone is somehow living a better life than you are. Log onto Instagram constantly and let your mind be flooded with images of newly decorated living rooms, perfectly manicured nails, vacation homes, adorable babies, and lattes being sipped in front of fireplaces. Ignore the fact that people only present the best versions of themselves on social media, and instead, be sure to focus exclusively on the imagined life you assume everyone else is living. And by the way, never be grateful for what you have. No way.

Let fear guide your decisions

Say you want to try something new, maybe an improv class or a writing workshop, but the thought kind of gives you a queasy, sort of sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. That sensation is called fear, and whenever it creeps up this year, you should abide by it. Fear is the thing that attempts to keep you exactly where you are. After all, if you went to that writing workshop, perhaps you would be inspired to write your first novel, and then maybe you’d become a famous author, and then where would you be? Happy. Hell, you might even have your best year yet, and we can’t have that, can we?

Set absolutely zero boundaries

Make this your new life motto: “Do all the things; Please all the people.” Try to live with the belief that absolutely everyone is counting on you at all times, and remove “no” from your vocabulary. You must meet the desires of everyone else before you meet your own. Stretch yourself thin until you have nothing left to give, and BAM, you will be miserable in no time.

Try to do it all alone

This one is essential, guys. Make a list of all of your goals – your hopes and dreams for the year 2015. Now, be sure to never under any circumstance share that list with anyone else. Keep it to yourself, and while you’re at it, attempt everything on it on your own. Experts site recruitment as one of the key components to success. That means that bringing people into your endeavors makes them far more likely to succeed. And that’s obviously the last thing you want.

So there you have it, folks. Follow this advice to the letter, and you’ll be sure to have a perfectly rotten year. Or, you know, you could decide to do the opposite of all of these things, and you may actually have a pretty awesome one. Your call.

Okay, for real though, how do you plan on making this year great?