Melyssa
Courtney, what do you want to talk about?

Courtney
I would love to dive into my resistance around launching, I have a failure to launch not a failure to complete, but almost a resistance to receiving the money and influence that would come of putting my specifically course businesses out into the world.

Melyssa
That’s very specific. Thank you for articulating that. So this resistance to it sounds like cultivating more abundance that’s holding you back from putting your courses out. Does that sound right?

Courtney
Yes. So I am solid on business tactics. I teach them to other people. I think that my not even I think I know that my content is validated, I get raving testimonials, my coaching is really valuable to people. So putting it into a course makes sense because I can help more people. And it will free up my time to make more impact in more ways. I have so many ideas of how I want to impact the world. And what I want to do with all of the things but there’s like a block when it comes to me being the recipient of the benefits of it, I guess, if that makes sense. So I have all these beautiful pieces of content and courses and all this great stuff. And it’s like I get 99.9% there and then I know that I’ll turn and go, Oh, I could work on it and it will present us like perfectionism. But then but I know it’s good. And yeah, I stall out right there. So I don’t know what that is. Though.

Melyssa
Okay, that’s great. Thank you for sharing that. So you’re getting like, almost finished with something, you know that you’re capable of finishing it, but it sounds like there’s some resistance about what might happen if you did. And do you have any sense of why, why you’re holding on to something and not wanting to finish it?

Courtney
It’s not so much that it’s not finished. And that I’m not proud of it. So that I can say it’s not that it’s almost like I’m nervous about the up level, if that comes with it, I guess. Does that make sense?

Melyssa
Yeah. Who do you think you would be if you up leveled?

Courtney
On like, the people in my immediate environment, right?

Melyssa
Yeah. Do you think that’s a big part of it? I think that’s yeah, that’s a huge part of it. I got chills. So that’s usually a towel. Yeah, what kind of disconnect Are you afraid might happen if you up leveled and all these people that you love around you now? Didn’t?

Courtney
I think that it would be very isolating. And there have been instances where it has shown itself. That that is like a real possibility. So, yeah, I think part of it is, if I were to succeed, and I really do see that I would succeed at this, there’s a lot of validation behind it. I’m so passionate. It’s a conversation worth having. And I can go down all the boxes and there’s like no other reason why I shouldn’t put that out there. And I think that Yeah, I’m nervous about what that would do as far as community around me

Melyssa
You said that you had another experience where you’ve got a taste of up leveling, and you saw how it affected the people around you. Can you share a little bit more about that?

Courtney
Sure. I think that’s it’s actually I’m coming up with a couple examples. The earliest would be like in school, where I was always straight A’s president of the class, cheerleader, always like on paper, hitting all the marks and, and it would appear that I was, you know, well liked and loved by everybody. But the truth is that when it came to, like core friendships, there wasn’t a lot of stability. There was a lot of almost like, a will you’re different. And I loved what I was doing and felt great in it. And it was very all aligned for me. I was always a natural student. I was just happy to be good at school. I loved doing student leadership. I’ve always been an advocate. And so those things were very aligned for me. And it was like socially, it just wasn’t clicking. And then I think also in family, money and the conversation around all the things really you could go down the list on that it isolated us from some people when we had money. When we didn’t have money. There was a totally different experience with that. So I think that no matter where I look, now that I’m looking at it, yeah, there’s a lot of noise there.

Melyssa
And so it seems like with the first example with your friends in school, you were really well liked by the general community. You’re super involve, got good grades, but that wasn’t acceptable in your group of friends. Maybe they weren’t striving for the same things. Is that right? Yeah, exactly. Right. And then with your family. Is it a message from your family that they will not appreciate you or is it more what you observed about your family’s finances and how that impacted how other people perceived your family.

Courtney
So, my money story is kind of twofold with that. So when we were growing up, my mom was a stay at home mom. And my dad always worked, sometimes multiple jobs. We had the big house, the Country Club membership, whatever. And to the outside, it looked like things were, you know, the American dream, when really there was a lot of scarcity and that they were probably stretched too thin. And so on the inside. It was actually there were a lot of choices or lack that I experienced, but to the outside world knew no one would ever have known and I at school, was the, you know, metals and all these accolades and whatever. And that just aligned with the image that, oh, they’re doing so well. And so there’s a story there. And then also, a business opportunity came up for them. Where they started a business, it made a lot of money fast, like millions quickly, but just after they sold out of their cut, because it felt hard. And they said, You can’t have family and a business at the same time. And they sold out just before the big payout happened. So there was just like, a lot of negative conversation around having a family and having a business. And, oh, well, you know, we have money, but we don’t. And then no money was there, but you can’t have it. So it’s a lot of highs and lows. And yeah, I don’t know what to do with that. As it applies here.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And you have a family, right?

Courtney
I do.

Melyssa
And how does that impact that story that you were the observer? Your parents getting this advice of you can’t have family in a business. How is that landing inside of you now as a mom?

Courtney
Cute tears.

Melyssa
There’s no rush.

Courtney
Okay. Woah. That’s a great question. I’ve made it my life’s mission to prove that yes, you can have both. And I am living it. And I feel like I would lose a lot of the connection to people I love who were doing the best they could at the time. Yeah, I’m nervous that things will really shift. And I do love them. But yeah. Oh my god.

Melyssa
Release. Hmm.

Courtney
Holy crap. I knew if anyone could bring it out of me it would be you Melissa. Oh my goodness. Thank you.

Melyssa
Yeah, yeah. Them, afraid of losing them. Are you talking about your kids or your parents?

Courtney
Oh, my parents.

Melyssa
And the fear of losing your parents? Is that like you doing something that they didn’t and that might trigger them?

Courtney
Yes.

Melyssa
Is that a fear that they have told you or that they’ve vocalized in some way?

Courtney
Mmm. Not directly, not saying that me having a business would trigger them and or having a business and family would trigger them. There have been conversations about not even conversations There have been comments about, oh, well, I did or didn’t do x. And that’s why and like a lot of them justifying or explaining why things worked, or didn’t work for them in that way, when I share any part of what I’m honestly passionate about, like, the work I’m doing, that brings me to tears too. And that makes me nervous because I know in a coaching capacity, that’s maybe identifying something that is a trigger for them that they’re just not maybe saying, fly out to me, you’re triggering me. I can see that I’ve triggered them when I share that, so I don’t. But to not share that, is like denying a part of me. And that’s a big thing to have, like your parents or even, you know, extended family to honestly, maybe just to denial in some way. And in addition, my dad, the entire time I’ve just learned out of my life was a functioning alcoholic. And it just came to like a head recently.

Melyssa
And so it’s this experience of when you talk about your business, you feel like they almost get defensive as if you’re attacking them when really you’re just talking about your business and what you’re passionate about, but it’s kind of like, well, we didn’t do it that way, because we were doing these other things sort of justifying their experience?

Courtney
Yes.

Melyssa
Hmm. Have you ever had like a heart to heart conversation with them about that?

Courtney
Yes. It doesn’t feel serious. It feels more dismissed. And what comes up for me a lot is there’s a quote, I’m paraphrasing, but it’s like, Who or what might you need to leave behind in order to grow? And I’m getting choked up because I think part of that answer is sharing that piece with them. I worry it would trigger something bigger. And that wouldn’t. I don’t know. I may not be worth it.

Melyssa
What do you mean by it may trigger something bigger?

Courtney
That it could trigger. Maybe my, my dad. And yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been told that money makes people different. And that different version would just be like off putting maybe? But I like this different version.

Melyssa
Hmm. So you like the different version that you’re growing into?

Courtney
Yeah. I love her.

Melyssa
She seems pretty cool.

Courtney
Thank you.

Melyssa
And it’s this fear of will they like her too. And the, I think it was a quote that you mentioned of leaving people behind as you grow and up level. And I got this visual of maybe right now. It feels like you’re all in the same car. They’re like driving together in the same minivan. And they’re in the backseat and you’re driving and, and it’s very heavy because their pain and their experiences are weighing on you. But I don’t see it as like you have to drop them off and then drive on, drive away. I see it more as like you to be driving your car, and they can drive their car. And you can both be going to the same place, but just in two separate cars. And so creating some boundaries around what they can hold and what, what they can’t. And there’s almost a sense I don’t know if you’re familiar with the drama triangle of like the victim, rescuer, persecutor, but I feel this sense of like, I want to rescue them from their own pain and their own experiences. And I don’t want to say anything that might trigger them, because then my dad might get back into drinking or who knows what might happen. And there’s almost a sense of like, I can control it. If I just do the right things. And you did a lot of the right things in life. You are the involved kid with the good grades from the the family that looked really wealthy and had the perfect image on the outside and there’s a sense of like, right, but there’s also the sense of this person that you are and that you’re becoming that maybe doesn’t have to control anything. And they get to just be her and see what happens.

Courtney
That sounds so beautiful and easy.

Melyssa
Huh? Easy. Mm hmm. What about it feels easy to you?

Courtney
Because I could just lifting my hands if I could just release. Okay. I know that that is a choice. That’s a you get to decide to release to say, Okay, I don’t have to be the rescuer. And I am usually always the rescuer. Yeah.

Melyssa
You could kind of zoom out and look at this. Like, they’re like looking at you and your situation from a higher level. And you see you trying to rescue your parents and also, maybe wanting to show your kids a different way of doing things. And you’re kind of like, you’re going around all these different people in groups to help and rescue them. But you’re looking at this from a higher level. Who do you think could use the most rescuing?

Courtney
By rescuing what would that be?

Melyssa
Yeah, yeah, maybe it’s a different word. I think what I’m seeing is that you’ve, you’ve spent a lot of time caring for and rescuing other people at the sacrifice of your own dreams and your own desires. And so it’s almost like if we channel some of that rescue energy back into you. How could you rescue yourself from the situation of feeling like you have to take care of everyone else.

Courtney
Go insular. And I feel that I really have been conscious about that. Especially since the birth of my son, we really turned inward and put our heads down my husband. So I do organic mommy CEO, he does organic daddy CEO. And we’ve turned our heads inward and worked. And we’ve been so aligned and doing great things. So I think if the answer is more of that, because when we do that, there’s no environment to house it. But then, recently, as we’re coming out of the like, content creation, you know, buttoning it up, get ready for the launch. He’s raring to go, and I’m like, ah, something’s stalling. And that’s lining up. Now I see with reinviting more of those family conversations back into the mix. So that seems to tie up.

Melyssa
Reinviting family conversations about your business?

Courtney
Yes. Like even just having them over more than just even having their presence sometimes can be very shifting. And so supporting me would look like having less of that. And that’s a weird, I don’t know. Weird visual, I guess. Yeah.

Melyssa
What makes it weird for you?

Courtney
I think I grew up thinking that they would always be around. Maybe hoping.

Melyssa
So it kind of shatters this. This old picture you had.

Courtney
A picture I would need to leave behind.

Melyssa
Yeah. Do you envision them? If you’re really following your truth, do you envision maintaining a relationship with them? Or do you think it would just change?

Courtney
Oh, I would definitely maintain a relationship. They’re not bad people. I think it’s specifically for me a willingness to grow, a willingness to believe there’s more, and to just want more for themselves for life to be easy. Like, you can work and there there are seasons when you need to work. But there’s also a part of the cycle where things can be lighter. And for them to to be open to that possibility. And I don’t think that there’s even a willingness to have that conversation. So it’s like finding, how do you hold that relationship and continue to grow and become your fullest potential. And I’ve, there was actually, you might have said this in a previous podcast, but it was the idea of like the plant has, its not because the plant hasn’t grown, it’s that it’s outgrown the container. And that spoke to me so much like I think that would be a definite visual here like.

Melyssa
The pot’s too small.

Courtney
Yes. Yeah. And so up leveling really requires me to put myself in a new pot and they can stay there and there can be visiting and that’s good and fine. I guess we worry about the opinion, the distance that, that’s photograph would not look how it always had. And yeah.

Melyssa
What if the photograph shifting was like the best thing that could possibly happen that you actually look at that photograph? A few months from now. It’s a new one, new like, wow, this is the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen. And it doesn’t feel scary and it doesn’t feel like you’re leaving anything behind and you fully understand how all the gifts that come with this new image, instead of it being this shattered dream that’s gone. It’s like, Whoa, this is the picture that was on the other side of that one I thought I really wanted. Can you imagine what that might look like if that were true?

Courtney
I can’t see a brand new picture, right the second, that it excited me to just consider that, that could shift. I didn’t know that I had such a negative view on that relationship until right this call really and so here I am thinking of a positive minded person. And then I would typically see the more positive encouraging outlook and for that, how interesting it was just for me to almost uncharacteristic have just assumed the negative view there. But I’m excited to re envision that. Yeah.

Melyssa
Hmm. Yeah. And it makes sense even for positive optimistic person. It’s changing a very core expectation that you had, about the way the world is and the way your family is so. And I think that would help though, to do some visioning on what does this get to look like if it was the most beautiful version of this new picture? Do you think it’s possible? Because it sounds like when you talk about this with your, your parents, we’ve tried to bring it up and kind of have a heart to heart with them, that they’re very closed off to the conversation and sort of brush it off. So it sounds like talking it through, isn’t really getting through the exterior, that maybe they’ve built some walls around this topic because of their own pain around it their own shame that they probably haven’t looked at. So, there’s the one side that maybe they never explore that pain, and that’s okay. That’s their prerogative. And there’s another side that maybe you up leveling and not necessarily bringing it up to them and having some boundaries around that. But then witnessing that in you, regardless, seeing how it changes your life, what you’re able to create, that maybe it’ll either allow them to explore that pain or trigger them so much that they cannot look at it anymore. Sometimes we get really triggered. If we allow some awareness into it, then it can be a really big shift. Maybe they need that.

Courtney
Yeah. Seeing is believing.

Melyssa
Yeah. Mm hmm. Sometimes. So if you kind of allowed yourself to let go of the need to save them or protect them. And you just allowed yourself to do you and your fullest truth, fullest expression. What would that look like?

Courtney
I would have the business I’ve always dreamed of. I would be aceing the blueprint that I mapped out for me, not the one that was set by everybody else.

Melyssa
Yeah. What is your blueprint look like?

Courtney
I wake up every day and be with my kids and my dogs and my husband in a rock star marriage that is so supportive. And we have fun all day. And in between, when I sit to work, I am so aligned and have so many other moms get to have that too. And my daughter watches me. And when she thinks of somebody living in her organic purpose, she has me as that example, my son too. And we move through life with flow and ease. Because it’s already happening. It’s just on a bigger scale. And I’ve never seen it demonstrated to me what that could be, and I feel like I’m here. And just pushing go would say, there you go. You’ve done it. And the people whose approval I would seek at the most, it might hurt and that’s where the hang up is.

Melyssa
How did that feel to feel into that day and experience?

Courtney
As I was talking about it, I was literally recounting, like today. And what’s funny is that I have been, in many ways living that but almost not allowing myself to fully enjoy it in an outward way, like I lived it internally like I insularly and share with anybody, look at how great this is, you know, I, I really do feel so just true to me, and I just keep it contained. But yeah, I was just actually thinking through like my day today. And it was great. I’ve had a great day.

Melyssa
Sounded like it was a beautiful reality. You just told us about. So it’s like that’s already happening. But there’s this block in terms of sharing it with other people sharing it outwardly versus just with your family.

Courtney
Yeah.

Melyssa
And do you think because of the fear that you have around your parents that there’s also this unconscious or maybe conscious fear that anyone might be triggered if you are like on your Instagram stories or teaching an online course and showing people this amazing life that you have, that someone might send you an email or a mean message or something about, all of the things we’ve been talking about.

Courtney
I don’t know that. I’m fearful of others. I know that I have some pretty revolutionary ideas or I don’t know how to put it but, for example, I’ve had two home births. That’s like 1% of the population. Some people think I am off of my rocker. And I’m okay with that. Like, fine. So I know I’m not for everyone and I feel pretty fine with that like, Okay, fine. I also share things on my social stuff. So I think it is more of a internal and, and it is not just my parents. It is also other people that are close to us too. So it feels like a almost like a little wider of a net in my internal family structure. If that makes sense.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And those other people are there’s also family members.

Courtney
Yes. And I keep creating, I almost turn it as, okay, well, let’s give them more to read. Let’s give them more to look at and I always make sure that I’m doing things that are true to me. I know I filter the things that are authentic to me, but it’s very vulnerable to feel like I keep sharing with the world at large. This is something so important, and that I’m passionate about and true to me. And I know that certain family members are keeping a pulse on it, and definitely not encouraging. They’re not saying neutral either. And to throw jabs from the sidelines, when you’re not in the game, I think that, that just adds a lot of noise that doesn’t have to be there. And so if my up leveling requires leaving that we’ve done it once before, and in those three years, we’ve never grown more than we did when we turned insular. And so there is proof there. Yeah.

Melyssa
What was that those three years like for your husband?

Courtney
While we moved, we had the birth of our daughter in the way that we wanted to with the home birth and he got into the best shape of his life. He started his other businesses, just had incredible success. And in always and yeah, and he was his own authentic self that was like his rebirth.

Melyssa
Can you see something similar happening to you? If you follow your path?

Courtney
Yes and no. So there was a Time recently in the last two years, where we opened up to my family, my parents, and we had said, we’re moving back. And they said, well come stay with us while you find the house. And we were about to buy the house. And we said, why don’t you come move in with us, you can retire with us. And just come and be grandma, grandpa. And when we did that, we moved in. And that’s when I learned that my dad had a alcohol problem. And after an explosive episode, we left in the middle of the night, three rescue dogs a baby and us with nowhere to go. We moved into my aunt’s pool cabana. And lived there for six months because we were rich but tied up. We had a house elsewhere. We hadn’t bought another place. We couldn’t bring three rescue dogs into a hotel. Then no one would take us we couldn’t get a rental and we were rich people homeless, essentially and it caused devastation like it then after this three years for my husband of coming into his own and being awesome feeling awesome, being awesome. It’s triggered his anxiety and depression. I was certainly not feeling so hot myself. And it was, I guess I’m as I’m talking this out, I see a connection between us having we had reached the success level before we up levelled and then it somehow catastrophe. And it caused us to not talk to my family and it triggered my dad. And I don’t want to relive that again. So yeah. I didn’t think I would share that or go there.

Melyssa
Yeah. Well, and what’s interesting is that, what triggered the whole thing was instead of creating the space in the boundaries, it was like, come on in, not even just come over, but like live with us. And that kind of started this cascade of I don’t want to say the fall from grace, but like, you were at this point of growth and expansion, and then suddenly, we’re literally living in a pool cabana and feeling anxiety. feeling this disconnection from family. And it all started with like, let’s get closer. So it feels like the closeness is possibly keeping all of you, them included, and you and your husband, your kids from peace and joy and up leveling. And that may be the opposite of having really strong boundaries with them and that maybe you all would thrive. Maybe that would be really healthy for all of you. And there’s so much love there from all of you. That it’s kind of like this white knuckle grip on. I don’t want to lose any of this. Maybe you wouldn’t actually be losing anything. Maybe it would actually make things feel more connecting, because there wouldn’t be that the pain that’s holding it all together. It wouldn’t hurt from being in too small of a pot.

Courtney
Yeah, I hear that.

Melyssa
So thinking about your course, business and these next steps, I know that you said that you and your husband have been working on things, getting it ready for release. And you’re running against this block, like knowing what we’ve been talking about and what you’ve, you’ve been exploring before this to. What’s a practice or something that you can consciously incorporate into your day that might help you take some bold and courageous steps towards this new realm.

Courtney
I should actually read out loud the affirmation that’s taped to my computer. I think that To be honest, I don’t even think I’ve considered that having a daily wealth building practice would be something that I should do. I don’t even think I optioned it for myself. So yeah, what are some ideas?

Melyssa
What daily wealth building practice?

Courtney
No, just like a like even money. affirmations. Like, I don’t think I ever would do something as something like that. Or even like a question to check in. Like I would, I would say to somebody else, okay, what is the CEO money making version of you? What aren’t you doing? What do you know you’re not doing? And I don’t think I’ve actually checked myself with that question. specifically as it pertains to making a profit and receiving it. Like, I’ll put the sales page up, but I won’t click it all together or something. So I think that’s an action I should do. I think I need to ask that question.

Melyssa
I like that, someone’s like envisioning this other version of you what they would do, how they would act in a certain situation and then doing that. I like to do something similar, where it’s like, envisioning what my child self is experiencing and feeling and usually like the ego part of myself that’s afraid and acting out in a way of wanting to save people. And then the higher self version of me, what would they do? What would they say? What would they feel? And they’re the most grounded, wise, connected, aligned version of me and not usually brings me a lot of peace to to think about, how can I give love to this little part of me? That’s afraid and then how can I step into this next level version of myself, that’s there and exists already. Just allowing me to step more into it.

Courtney
I love that. Because it’s only that little girl’s job to play. Yeah, yes, I hear that. Thank you.

Melyssa
Mmm. What about incorporating and it’s kind of an a similar theme, but visualizing what the best if it all works out beautifully? What that might look like incorporating some visualizing into every day of this new picture. I know that we couldn’t quite get to like what the new picture would look like now. You keep visualizing and thinking about and feeling into, what does this new reality look like if it happens all so beautifully? What will I learn? What will my kids learn? By observing me? What kind of joy will we experience? What kind of businesses will we have all of the things that turn out perfectly and just kind of like leaning into that mission. I think it’s easier to work towards something that is a little nerve wracking and new, when we can visualize what it might look like if it turned out exceptional, versus sort of this fear of what it could be if it crashes and burns, you know.

Courtney
I’m sure. Something that you mentioned, when you said feeling out the new reality as if it were playing out perfectly, the perfect word highlighted for me. And often, my procrastination will, you know, be dressed up in my perfectionism story for another day, maybe. But what is the difference between envisioning that perfect day that perfect outcome and going to claim it for yourself and perfectionism and trying to attain that because I know that perfectionism gets to that point where it is unhealthy?

Melyssa
That’s a great question. And thank you for the awareness on the language because I think I would change it from perfect vision perfect day to aligned vision, aligned today. The most honest, for you joyful, all of the things that you want to feel and experience, but not perfect because that doesn’t need to.

Courtney
Perfect excites me, Melissa. That is something that I work on often. Besides like, wait, perfect, we can go there. You can’t go there. So I appreciate that. Yeah, thank you. Because feeling into that new reality is is absolutely something I I should be doing more intentionally. That should be.

Melyssa
Can be, huh.

Courtney
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Melyssa
And it’ll make it feel a lot easier on the road to that vision. See that it’s an actual place versus just like this idea that is drenched in fear and all the things that could go wrong is a real place.

Courtney
Yeah. Thank you so much for that.

Melyssa
You’re so welcome. Thank you for being so open and honest in this conversation.

Courtney
Thank you for holding me as I cry.