I never used to consider myself a worry wart, and most of the time, I still don’t. But as I get older, I feel myself becoming more anxious about the possibilities of the future. After graduating college, I remember my biggest revelation being something quite simple: anything can happen now. In school, life feels very systematic. But after I graduated and moved to Japan, I realized that the Real World lacked that same consistency — anything was possible, both good and bad.
I still aim to be optimistic about the future, and generally have positive thoughts about what might happen in my life. But from time-to-time I find myself getting worried, especially with friendships, relationships, and perhaps most considerably in terms of my dog. I’ve never had a “child” to take care of, so I’m always thinking about his safety and well-being. Though I don’t always show it, I have a deep sense of worry about what could happen to him — or maybe more realistically, what would happen to me if something happened to him.
The problem with worrying is that the things we worry about almost never even happen. It’s like we create an alternate reality where only the negative possibilities occur. And yet, that reality only exists because we made it so. I find strength in knowing that I have an unrelenting power to squash those fears and lean in hard to the positive circumstances of my actual, waking life.
Earlier this year, I read Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly (my review here!). Her phenomenal book centered on how we can go “all in” in our lives, which usually means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. In her book, she explains that we can’t love anyone or anything with all our heart if we allow fear any place in our relationships. If we’re worrying about what might happen — death, betrayal, etc. — then we’re not opening ourselves up completely, for fear that sharing that final piece of ourselves will destroy us if shit really does end up hitting the fan. But Brené argues that giving your whole self is the only way to build truly meaningful relationships and experiences. In her words, “There is no intimacy without vulnerability.”
Now, I don’t want to leave you with these thoughts without a solution. And lucky for the both of us, this one is simple. When you’re feeling that sense of worry, then the best thing you can do is replace it with gratitude. Be grateful for the moment you are given right now. Cherish the ones in your life, even if they may not be there next year. When someone gives you a piece of themselves, take it. Devour it. Be grateful that is was given to you, rather than fearful it may one day be taken away.
In Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things, she says, “It’s gratitude that you should be feeling in place of jealousy and insecurity and fear. I encourage you to reach for that gratitude. It’s located just a stretch beyond the ‘crazed fire’ that’s burning in your head. Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.”
Where will you start today, friend? What worries will you replace with gratitudes?
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Fantastic post, I love your passion for helping people live better lives! One of my goals is to start having more gratitude and replace the anxiety I feel with that. I started doing something new last week: every time I get that heavy feeling in my chest from anxiety, I tell myself not to start worrying- that it’s just a physical reaction. When I don’t feed into the physical anxiety with more worries, I feel a lot better faster and feel like I can handle anything!
I love that Margo! I think you’re so right, a lot of worrying and anxiety is because we let ourselves have those reactions, instead of worrying that they’re just responses from our body that we can control. I’ll definitely be putting that into practice, too!
“It’s like we create an alternate reality where only the negative possibilities occur.” What a great sentence! I think this really makes a great image for me personally, as I for a looong time been a big time worrier. The picture of me just creating this world of worry and negativity makes it a bit easier to shake off! I also agree that gratitude really are a powerful source. Now, I’ll have to go and buy those books! =) Thank you for this post and have a great day!
I’m so glad that sentence rang true for something inside of you, Gabby. I also think those two books I mentioned are the best ones I’ve read all year, so I definitely hope you’ll check ’em out. 🙂
I read Brene Brown’s “Gift of Imperfection” after a horrible breakup last spring. “Daring Greatly” is still sitting on my nightstand waiting for me! Thanks for the reminder 🙂
I’m a fellow INFJ, and I’ve always been an anxious person; I think I just didn’t realize it until college. I’m on the brink of leaving my stable-yet-dull desk job to have some adventures and pursue some interests, and it’s terrifying (what if I don’t make enough money to live off of? what if I’m not good at the side projects I want to develop?) but really freeing and exciting, too. It’s not for a few months yet, but I’ll have to check back in and let you know how it goes, since your own story has inspired me 🙂
I’ll definitely have to check out Gifts of Imperfection. Brené Brown is just amazing! And I hope you find success when you leave your stable job. I have a feeling you really will! Let me know how it goes. 🙂
Isn’t Brene Brown amazing? I devour her books and audios like it’s going out of style. (Cheryl Strayed too, actually! Bit of a book junkie.)
Personally, I’ve always, always, always been a worrier. My mind has this tendency of running off into far-away places and thinking about every scenario that’s possible and thus, blowing it up beyond epic proportions. It’s definitely something that’s be ingrained inside of me for a long time, and one of those self-depleting habits that I’m actively working to shift in my every day life.
I completely agree that gratitude is an incredible form of healing and opens our lives to things we didn’t even know were there – law of attraction, right? Another thing I’ve found is when I’m worrying about LIFE is to put some space between myself and my thoughts and then ask myself, “Is worrying serving me right now? Is this a true expression of who I am?” which allows me to open the door for a new perspective.
I absolutely love that, Allie! I think we’d all get by a little more easily if we stopped to ask ourselves those questions in a lot of different contexts — “Is ______ serving me right now?” I need to write that down so I see it everyday. What a stellar idea and reminder!
This is beautiful. I do the same thing about worrying over my dog. He’s actually at the vet now after an emergency visit last night and I immediately went to the worst case scenario. The idea that we worry about things that never happen is so true and profound to think about. Thanks for sharing!
I’m glad you could relate, Sarah. I hope your dog is doing better today — those emergency visits are just terrifying. Sending you both lots of positive energy!
I agree wholeheartedly that worrying never really works out. I can plan and plan and plan what I think will happen and be stressed out about it. And then when nothing terrible comes I feel silly for wasting so much time.
I so know what you mean, Erica! It’s funny, because we create these “plans” of what we’ll do if the worst happens, thereby subjecting ourselves to all the terrible feelings and thoughts of what “The Worst” would feel like. Then nothing ever happens, and we’ve put ourselves through the torment for literally no reason!
I needed this post more than anything right now. I’m a huge worry wart and it’s really affecting my life. I’ve been trying to make a change and I think that being grateful instead of worrying is a great place to start. Thank you for this 🙂
Glad it could help a little, Briana 🙂
Wonderful piece. I get super stressed out and anxious sometimes (about school, relationships, etc.) to the point where my stomach hurts. Gratitude for my family, love, and even the littlest things is the best way to stay grounded, at least for me. xo
Mandy
http://www.mandydacandy.com
I’m so glad you agree, Mandy 🙂
love this post. I’ve been drowning in anxiety lately and you’re right about the gratitude part.
Glad it could help. 🙂 I know getting out of that anxiety isn’t easy, but gratitude is usually the best place to start.
It’s so easy to get caught up in stress and anxiety…college student, part-time employee, tutorer, blogger, almost 1000 miles from home…life can be tough! But I’ll definitely try to be more grateful – I really think that will help a lot! Thanks for sharing!
~ Samantha
samsamcherie.blogspot.com
Glad to hear that Samantha. 🙂 I hope it helps you get through those anxious feelings!
I definitely worry a lot, and today for some reason was really bad, so I definitely needed to hear this. I’ve been really anxious about the fact that I’m living in a country where i barely speak the language, and all of my classes are in French, so I hope I’m actually understanding what’s going on. It’s been tough, and sometimes I question my decision to leave my home and everything comfortable (including English… and wifi) but then I remind myself to be grateful. My mom has always told me that when I get anxious that I should think about what I’m grateful for, especially since it’s so easy to go to a darker place (I don’t know why being negative is so natural…). Sorry for rambling, but thank you for this. It helped me a lot today. 🙂
I’m so glad it could help you today, Zoe. 🙂 I definitely know that feeling of living abroad, not knowing the language, and wishing for all the comfortable things you had back home. It’s tough to get through that period, but it’s also just that: a single period of time. It’s certainly hard while you’re going through it, but eventually it will pass without you even realizing it. You’ll probably be off having a croissant with someone and will suddenly realize how natural everything feels — or at least I hope so, and that’s how it was for me when I lived abroad. I’m confident you’ll get there, too. 🙂 And your mom is right — gratitude is a great defense against anxiety. 🙂
I worry a lot because I overthink a lot. Most of my worries revolve around social situations and my relationships with people. I think the reason why I tend to assume bad things will happen is so that I can brace myself early for it – I’ll put defenses up so that I don’t get hurt. But the problem with me doing that is that I don’t get to fully enjoy myself, and that I just live life assuming the worst. It’s something I definitely need to work on!
http://peeintothewind.tumblr.com
I am the exact same way, Cindy! The problem that I’ve also found, is that it can sometimes be detrimental to my relationships, because I eventually pull away for fear of being hurt, when there was never really a problem to begin with. It’s something I’m working on, too. 🙂
Glad to see that I’m not alone in this! I pull away for fear of being hurt too – while it’s good to be careful of my heart, I definitely need to find a balance between being cautious and fully opening up.
I totally agree! 🙂
I adore Brené Brown. Her TED talk is amazing. When I find myself worrying I try to take a step back, take a deep breath, and sometimes even move on to another activity before returning to the one that was making me feel worried.
Ahh I love her TED talk, too! She’s just an incredible lady!
I read Brene’s Gifts of Imperfection and really struggled with it, I had to stop and come back a few months later when I was in a more receptive frame of mind. I’ve had Daring Greatly on my kindle for over a year and haven’t been brave enough to read it yet… sometimes it’s easier to distract yourself with worry than to face uncomfortable truths! but worry never accomplishes anything except making yourself preemptively [or unnecessarily] upset. guess it’s time to man up and start that book 🙂
That’s very interesting to hear, but I can totally understand that feeling. I’ll have to check out the book and see how I feel about it — I can imagine it would stir up some uncomfortable thoughts for me, too.
This is a great way to try to stop worrying. I like to worry… and I really mean it when I say I like to. I actually think worrying provides some comfort for me, because I always feel like even though I can’t control whatever it is that I’m worrying about, the fact that I’m worrying about it means that it can’t sneak up and surprise me. I know, I know, that’s a crazy thought. I have been trying to work on worrying, though, because I know it’s not good for me. I worry about my dog a lot too, and my family. Right now I’m worried about my sister’s dog because he’s getting pretty old. He still has a lot of energy and spunk, but you can tell he’s slowing down. Just like you said, when I really start to worry I just focus on the present and the time that I have right now to spend with the dogs and my family and all of those who mean the most to me.
That’s really interesting, Crystal! I’ve heard something similar before, about how expecting the worst will prepare you for anything that happens.
What a great way of looking at things. My fears are based around my panic attacks, which these are based around the fear of being sick. In actual fact there isn’t anything wrong with me but one thought leads to another and it all just gets out of control! Perhaps being grateful for how healthy I actually am might help break the cycle!
http://www.sweetwordsprettypictures.com
That must be so difficult, Amber! I’ve never had a panic attack, but when I feel super anxious, I sometimes wonder how difficult a panic attack would be in comparison — it just sounds so mentally and emotionally draining! I hope you’re able to break that cycle. 🙂
I once watched an episode of Oprah that still to this day reminds me to quit being such a worry wart. I often fear the worst happening to the people I love, so much so that I was driven to anxiety attacks and had to go on medicate for a while. Then I learned that, as awful as it sounds, if something happened to a family member, friend, or significant other, my life would go on! There is no sense living in fear, and no sense worrying until you have to.
http://www.thehobbyist.co
I think you totally hit the nail on the head, Kayla. You’re SO right — even if the absolute worst DOES happen, our lives will still go on and we’ll move on eventually, too. I think worry creates these unrealistic ideas that our entire lives will crumble, when that’s usually not the case. Thanks for pointing that out!
I am the biggest worrier ever. Seriously. I panic over things that haven’t even happened yet, nor do they likely have a chance at happening. It takes major compartmentalization for me to remember that not everything is going to go wrong and that there are actually things that CAN go right, when given the chance.
I can totally understand that feeling, Ashten. I hope you’re able to replace that worry with some happier feelings. Lately, I’ve been repeating the phrase, “the things I worry about almost never even happen” whenever I feel that anxiety creeping up, and it has been helping to reconfigure my mind so much.
p.s. I accidentally “down-voted” your comment! Not sure if you got a notification about that or anything, but didn’t want you to think I did that on purpose haha.
Due to some pesky anxiety issues, I find myself worrying about everything–rational or not. However, the biggest worry I have as of late is the general direction of where my life is going, career-wise. I can’t seem to get hired for any of the jobs I want or am remotely interested in. In my program at university, I watch these girls get their fashion dream jobs. I can’t even get an internship. I work really hard. I mean really hard, and have been for my entire life. I don’t have the money they do. And I feel like I don’t have access to the same opportunities as they, so I can’t make the same connections.
However, with disappointment aside, I do have something in the worry to be gracious for. I keep on keeping on. I still have the same big dreams and goals, and I still work hard to achieve them. I’m thankful for that quality. I may not get these opportunities as easily as some of my peers, but I will be that much for appreciating and proud when they do come.
That’s tough, Jacqie! It’s hard to watch people with “connections” get more opportunities. But then I think about all the people who just hustled to get where they wanted to be, and it makes me feel a little more invincible. If you’re still in university, then don’t worry — there’s time, even if it really doesn’t feel like it. But I love your positive, gracious attitude. I’m a pretty firm believer that if you’re optimistic and radically hard-working, you will move mountains. Best of luck to you. 🙂
This is a brilliant idea. I am most definitely a worry wart, though I go through better times than others! I think perhaps I will try to twist my worries to be grateful for what I have at the moment and see how that goes!
Emma | frillsanddoodads.com
I hope it helps, Emma. 🙂
I love this quote! It really helps to put things in perspective. I’ve been super paranoid since becoming a mom. This is definitely something I need to have framed!
Thank you for sharing!
Annie
The Mama Gazette
It’s funny that you say you need to have it framed because I was toootally thinking the same thing. And I think my worried feelings started when I became a (dog) mom — it’s just a nerve-wracking feeling to care for someone else’s life. I bet you’re doing a wonderful job, Annie! 🙂
I am such a worrier! I definitely need to switch my negative worry energy to positive gratitude energy.
thoseknots.blogspot.co.uk
It’s tough, but you can do it, Em 🙂
I’ve started to stop worrying as much recently. One of the biggest things that consumes my thoughts is always worrying about geting sick in public – and guess what, it happened this year. So now that that’s over I can start focusing on other things in life. I’ve also tried to focus a little bit more on why I’m worrying and if there’s a way that I can combat it. Is it because I feel unprepared? Is there a way that I can prepare better so I don’t worry about it? Etc. I’ve been doing a better job, but there’s still plenty of room to grow from here. My next task is to stop worrying about making everybody else happy and to focus on making myself happy instead.
This comment is full of so much TRUTH, Chrystina. I think the questions you’re asking yourself about why you’re worrying are excellent places to start. I also think the mentality of worrying about your own happiness rather than everyone else’s is brave and oh so necessary. Bravo to you!
I am so bad for worrying… I used to be quite a relaxed person, but now I worry about everything! Reading this has made me realise that it’s not always good to worry ha ha 🙂
Hi Lottie: For worry see New Testament statement of Jesus the Christ (I.e. Mark 1:1) in Luke 12: 22-32. However, the “catch” is one must be a member of the family of God, a Christian. It is easy to become one, Jesus said, go preach the good news about Me to all the people on Earth, he/ she who believes and is baptized (full body immersion in fresh water, not salt water) I will save. Mark 16: 15-16. Galatians 3: 15-16 states this water immersion makes us children of God and that this action puts us into Christ,
God’s son.
Sometimes worrying can be a good thing though! I never used to be a worrier, but I’ve noticed in the last few months or so, I’ve started worrying about every little health “issue” and immediately think the worst. And then I google things, and that makes it even worse. It’s such a horrible cycle. I think a big part of it is me being unemployed recently, having way too much time and just a general gloomy disposition. I’m really hoping that I can use my mind to beat this vicious internal struggle! Some days are definitely harder than others. But I will try extra hard to replace worrisome thoughts with gracious ones! Thanks for this!
This is so true and I am donig this over and over even I know this would not happen to me.
I know many people struggle with stress moreover unhealthy mental health.
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