You’ve got a past and tons of stories that make you who you are. But did you write them all yourself or did other people influence the decisions and circumstances that make up the essence of you? As a human being–and most of all–as a writer, I find a particular question constantly begging for my attention:
Is it my story to tell?
Because we’re often faced with the decision of whether or not we want to discuss the realities of other people in our writing or conversations. Normally, this might be called, “gossip.” But are there times when it’s not?
What happens when the line blurs — when someone else’s life defines your own?
No doubt, the tales and choices of your family, friends, and anyone else that you spend time with, can eventually change who you are. Your insecurities, fears, even dreams and aspirations are, most often, created by your environment and the people who shape it. Maybe you grew up without a dad, and now have a subconscious fear of abandonment. Or perhaps your younger sister is in rehab and it pushes you to become a psychologist so you can help people like her one day. These stories don’t reflect our own choices, right? I mean, you didn’t abandon yourself and you’re not the one in rehab. Yet, their decisions alter our lives in profound ways. If you were to tell someone why you are the way you are, leaving out those pieces of your past would be like giving someone a memoir without the first ten chapters. So, when do someone else’s stories and decisions become ours to tell?
I ask this question because, my family — though good at hiding our shortcomings — is filled with all sorts of people, from addicts and alcoholics to abusers and abandoners. Something tells me that many of you out there have similar stories that define who you are — perhaps based on your own choices, or even more likely, not.
Last week, I spent much of the day with my brother (half by blood, full by heart), searching for his mom who had gone on an alcoholic binge days after being kicked out of her rehabilitation center. This kind of frantic search for his mom is not unfamiliar to him, but for certain reasons I won’t share today, it was the scariest one yet. For a few moments, we were unsure if we’d even find her alive. I’m not completely absent from her life. She was once my stepmom, after all. But mostly, it is painful to watch my brother — someone I care so deeply about — constantly have to swim through the waves that someone else creates in his life. In his case, especially, is his mother’s addiction his to share since it has, no doubt, affected who he is?
I wavered in writing this post. Because really, is it my business to share the details of anyone’s life but my own? Normally, I’d say “no.” I’m often a pretty private person, gleaning more pleasure from protecting my loved ones than gossiping about them. This has kept me out of much of the “drama” of growing up, yet it doesn’t really complete me in situations like the one I just described. Because when other people’s decisions affect who you are and who you become, then I think it can only make sense to share those pieces that connect. The parts of your life that have been shaped by others — for better and for worse — have made you the person you are now. You may not be those other people, but your life will never be the same because of them, either.
What do you think? Do you feel comfortable sharing other people’s pasts if they’ve had an effect on your own life? Where do you draw the line? If you’re a blogger or writer, how do you decide what’s okay and what’s not okay to share with the world?
Katherine of the Duchess of Plumewood
And in my usual fashion of sharing fun sponsors on serious posts, I have a sweet little lady to introduce to you today! haha 🙂
Oh man. I can so relate to this post. I struggle A LOT with the things I want to write about for this very reason. Like your brother, the decisions that others have made have greatly impacted who I am. I have the right to share them. But like you, for the most part, I want to protect these people. Ultimately, protecting them is not my job though. My job is to protect me. It’s a tough one, but when push comes to shove, situations like your brothers and mine are most definitely ours to share. Hoping your brother can someday find piece amongst the drama.
My mantra, You have a family, you are not your family.
Thanks for this Shannon. 🙂 Glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this!
Right now a big part of my life is learning from my past relationship. Though I haven’t shared my story the way Crystal had shared one of hers last week (or so), I’m sharing bits and pieces.
I have the choice to bash my ex publicly or to share facts that impacted my life in an honest way without any hatred. There will obviously be some negative implications towards him, but its MY STORY too. There’s this saying that whatever is done in private will be revealed in public – good or bad. As long as I’m sharing about what I experienced with my ex is fact and truth; and that it is shared in a positive way (what did I learn, what can you learn)? I think it is ok.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Aukele. I think this kind of struggle is exactly like what I feel in terms of my relationship with certain family members. It’s really hard for me to choose whether or not it’s okay for me to share certain things, but like you said, it’s my story too! I hope you share your story — it deserves to be heard!
I think that other people’s stories impact ours and in ways, become part of ours. Even if we don’t make the decisions, those decisions can change our lives. I think that people have the right to share their story, if it’s something that they’re comfortable with. I think it can even be helpful for others, to know that they’re not alone, especially in the situation your brother is in with his mom. I also think that each person needs to make a decision when they decide to share parts of their life and they need to make boundaries for themselves. There might be someone who doesn’t want boundaries, and that’s okay if it works for them. I personally have decided not to share pictures of my niece and nephew, even though I see them often and they’re important parts of my life. I’m not comfortable posting pictures of them because they’re not my children, but also because they’re children and I feel the need to protect them.
I have a hard time sharing stories, though, because I wonder if people will be upset and sometimes I even question whether I got the story right. I guess it goes back to that question: if you and your sibling remember a childhood event differently, whose version is the truth or are both versions the truth because each version is true to a person? I’ll just stick to writing novels; I can make things up! 🙂
Thank you for all of these thoughts, Crystal! I think that very first sentence of yours was exactly what I was trying to get at in my post. It’s hard to decide what’s ok and what’s not ok to share, but at the same time, if it’s something that has impacted me, I just want to share it because it’s my personal truth. I appreciate hearing your thought process on this!
It is so hard to understand someone without seeing where they are from, without sharing those painful, open wounds. I rarely ask myself this in blogging, mostly because my blog is based on travel and less on my personal history, but often in relationships. Its hard to draw the line, to share your story without betraying another person’s intimate, personal experiences. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for adding this to the discussion, Britney! I think you definitely bring up a good point.
I’ve thought about this too. Personally, I created my blog as a means of sharing with and empowering and inspiring other women. One of the greatest rewards I have found in blogging is the reassurance that, whatever I am going through, I am not alone. And if, by sharing how someone else’s actions have affected me, I can help one other person to feel less alone, then it is worth it. The only thing I don’t share is my family drama because my family reads my blog. I’d like to talk about what happened on Christmas Eve on my blog, but I can’t air out my family’s laundry right in front of them. BUT, family fighting is not the same as someone being an alcoholic, or in and out of rehab, and it shaping the person you have become. One of my new favorite quotes is: “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” – Chuck Palahniuk. For better or worse, people shape us.
I think your younger brother is lucky to have you as a sister. It really sucks that you guys had to deal with that, but I hope that you and your family can find peace.
Rachel, I love that quote! Thank you for sharing it, it’s really wonderful. 🙂
Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared here, Rachel! I was chatting with one of my mentors about this topic the other day and she mentioned, like you, that one of the great things about sharing your story is that most people won’t take the details away with them (like your mom being an alcoholic or something similar), but would rather find a way to fit the lesson into their own lives, even if it just means making them feel less alone.
I love that quote (and Palahniuk), too. Thank you for sharing you sweetness and insight, Rachel. 🙂
I am very open about my own experiences, and my own feelings on my blog, because I think honesty and authenticity are two of the biggest virtues, both in life and in blogging. I’ll mention my family, but only, as you said, to give a bit of back story, or when something they said is really pertinent. There’s an article I’ve been wanting to write for months and months, but because I haven’t figured out a way to do it without calling out my brother’s friends (among other things), it’s still sitting there. I think it’s a very, very fine line, and everyone needs to draw it for themselves so that they feel comfortable. Like Rachel below, my Mom & sister also read my blog, so I would never want to share something that I think might upset them. Then again, learning parts of your backstory today is something that I am so appreciative of, and that wouldn’t have happened if you had set your personal line somewhere else. It’s a complex subject – thank you for raising it. For what it’s worth, we also have addiction in our extended family, and the sheer panic and helplessness that comes along with it sometimes is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Thank you for sharing all of this, Johanna! I love that you’re open about your experiences. My family reads my blog, too, so I struggle with what I can really share about my experiences with them. I agree, it’s a fine line. But I did love your tip about not sharing your family unless it’s pertinent to the back story — sometimes we can still convey the lesson without having to call anyone out. Maybe that’s what I should really be aiming for.
Personally I prefer not to talk about my personal life and family issues in detail on my blog. This is because I talk about these issues quite a lot with my family and for me my blog is somewhere to get away from it all. However it is reassuring for me to read posts like this, it reminds me that everyone has a backstory. Thank you for talking about this important subject and I hope that you and your family can work through these problems.
Thank you for adding to this discussion, Anna! I totally get you about not wanting or needing to share all those personal life details on your blog. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve let go of something until I write about it, so I’m still working on how to do both and not make anyone uncomfortable. 🙂
This is something I definitely battle with daily. In general I think I’m pretty open about other people’s stories that have shaped me when speaking face to face with friends, but not so much on the blog. I wish I were braver, but with so many personal friends and family reading the blog, I fear it would result in a lot of pain and conflict. That being said, I always admire bloggers who are willing to share their stories in relation to those close to them. I feel like it helps to create a more detailed picture of who they are 🙂 In the end I suppose it is up to each individual to set their own boundaries.
Thank you for sharing this, Jenna! I am totally with you. In person, I am pretty willing to share anything in conversation, but I fear that broadcasting other people’s lives on my blog will just result in bad news bears for them (and even for our relationship). Glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this!
Definitely something I struggle with! I think for the most part, if it’s not necessary to share a name or relationship to get the story/point across, I won’t. But if it’s essential to the story, then amongst a close group of friends – I’ll more than likely share the story, as it has affected me on some level. Amongst strangers (blog land, for example), I’d try to acquire consent from whoever I think would be affected by the post. The worst thing I can imagine is someone finding a story about themselves out on the Interwebs and having their feelings hurt!
I agree with you 100%, Caroline! I also appreciate your kind heart — I would never want anyone to find something about themselves and be hurt, either!
I was in this conundrum just a couple of days ago, when I was blogging with a family situation on my heart. I decided it wasn’t my story to tell and what resulted was a rambling post that didn’t make much sense to anyone but me. But I felt a little better after writing about it. I think it often depends on the audience too. If the involved parties won’t mind or be hurt by your writing, it might not be such a big deal.
Thank you for sharing this, Maggie! It’s hard to share family situations, isn’t it? We have such a desire to protect and look out for them, but there’s so much imperfection involved in families at the same time — it can be a difficult balance. Glad to hear that sharing your “ramble” helped you in some way. 🙂
This is such a pertinent thing in my life, because my childhood will forever be defined by a tragic stroke my mother suffered. It’s hard to talk about myself without even mentioning her, because that experience has influenced me so much. But I also think, unless it’s incredibly personal, sharing stories makes us all seem more similar. I can’t tell my story without letting in a glimpse of my mom, so I’ve learned to tailor what happened to her to fit my story.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kaysie. I completely agree — sometimes other people’s timelines just have such a huge affect on who we become that not sharing their lives, in turn, means we’re not fully sharing our own.
I think being discrete about certain things is an art form – and you can tell someone’s story or explain a scenario by cleverly masquerading the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s, and why’s. Never name drop and definitely always protect the person of whom you speak of, unless they’re OK being aired in the open. Depending on the story, we’re all connected in some way by each other and sharing another’s story, depending on the level of sensitivity, is inevitable. Stories are meant to be passed down and to be shared, just do so intelligibly and respectfully. 🙂 Great question Mel! Happy Hump Day! -Iva
Thank you for sharing this, Iva! I totally agree with the points you made. I also love that line about how we’re all connected so sharing stories is inevitable. Very true!
I’m still finding the balance in sharing personal things when I write. For example, depression and suicide runs in my family. However, some of my family members are often silent about the topic. I don’t quiet understand why. I figure the more we talk about it the more help and encouragement we can get and offer to others.
I feel bad for your brother but I hope this situation can make him stronger in the long run.
Thank you for this, Beka! Funny you say that, because my family has a long history of suicide and depression too. I find that it’s easier for people to share things like cancer, but harder to talk about mental issues. Hopefully this will change in the future, but I appreciate knowing that you struggle with this, too.
It’s a really difficult balance for me. I tend to start with basing what I say on a) how relevant the story is to the moment. Does it *need* to be shared? and b) how open is the person themselves about the thing?
Thank you for sharing this, Stacia! I totally agree — if it doesn’t need to be shared, then maybe it’s best if it just isn’t.
Hi Melyssa,
It’s so timely that you write about this as I was going through the exact same predicament last year. I had to take some time out of blogging as it all got too much, but what to write? I didn’t want to lie and say that everything was fine, I didn’t want to just say nothing at all because that to me was also lying. I ended up drafting a long long post about everything that was happening, not mentioning any names, with the thought in my mind that I would share the story. After I’d written it, I realised that it wasn’t my story to tell and it would upset any people involved who read it, if they did, so I didn’t post it. Writing the story in that way really helped me address a few things and then I wrote an extremely vague post about where I’d been in my blogging hiatus. I hated writing just a vague post but I didn’t feel like the story needed to be told, I’m sure it would help somebody in the same situation but it would have been hard to write.
Thanks for writing about this, I’m sure its something that we can all relate to.
Sian Xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Sian! I can imagine how difficult that dilemma was for you; I’ve felt it many times myself, too. I hope you gained some closure and acceptance just from the act of writing it all out. Sometimes, even when I want to share something with the world, just writing it down as if I was going to share it, and then backspacing the entire thing makes me feel a little better. Anyways, I’m glad you can relate…it’s a fine line and not always easy to see where that line is drawn.
Hello Melyssa,
I believe this is a delicate issue and since I’m also a very private person I often don’t blog/write about other people’s experiences (unless they have previously agreed on). I try my best to keep it simple and neat with respect and empathy. However, many times the juicy details need you to make reference to some personal situations, in order to share and xommunicate better. In every case I don’t act without advising the people involved.
Have a wonderful Sunday!