I came across a quote from this article today and couldn’t help but share it in its entirety. It’s just too good, too spot-on, and too exactly-what-I-wanted-to-say-but-way-more-eloquent. Here’s the quote:
Listening isn’t the same as hearing someone speak. And it’s not as natural or automatic as many people think.
In fact, most of us make mistakes when listening to others. For instance, we might be more concerned with being heard and voicing our own perspective, according to Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Illinois.
“Often, people come to the conversation with an agenda… When they think they are listening, they are only waiting to get their point across.”
I remember in elementary school, we did “active listening” exercises, where we’d listen to our partner talk about something and would inject “active listening” characteristics, like nodding your head understandingly or looking your partner in the eyes. The older I get, the more I realize that while looking at someone might make it seem like you’re actively listening (and may even fool yourself into thinking you are, too), often people are only half-listening or waiting for their turn to speak. It’s difficult to build strong relationships with people when we’re not fully taking in the things they share with us.
Whether in your relationships with friends, partners, or family, I challenge you to be a better listener.
Here are a few tips to becoming a great listener and conversationalist:
- Calm the heck down. You’re not having a debate with someone — you’re having a conversation. You might have some things you’d like to say, but what’s the rush? Be cool, yo. Listen to what your buddy has to say and let your dialogue form organically. There’s enough time for everyone to say their piece.
- Ask questions. This one’s most important in my book, because aside from all the head nodding and eye contact, no one will know you’re listening unless you actually engage with what they’re saying. And don’t we all feel good when someone seems interested in our stories? Asking questions shows your partner that you’re hearing them and that you care. It also ensures that you’re not making assumptions about what they’re saying — clarifying as needed.
- Consider your breathing. I’ve noticed that if there’s something I really want to say in a conversation, my heart rate will increase — I will literally feel slight physical stress about the fact that I might not be able to get my point in before someone else starts speaking. Isn’t that wild? That we can cause ourselves stress over something so minute? If you’re in a fast-paced conversation and worried that you might not be able to inject your perspective quickly enough, then just take a chill pill, my friend. Breathe. Lower that heart rate. It’s going to be ok.
Tell me, what makes you feel heard in a conversation? Do you make the mistake of listening without hearing?
I think I almost definitely do though events of the past couple of years have taught me that this isn’t the way to go about things. I’ve also learnt this through looking at internet conversations and seeing how many bubbles are mine and how many are my partners – do they match? Am I a) in a conversation where I’m listening enough and b) or is it just me initiating a conversation that the other person doesn’t want to have? There are so many things to be learned when making good conversation and when you get it right and make someone feel listened to, it can be the best feeling ever. Thank you for the thoughtful topic!
I have the exact same thing when my heart race increases when I really want to say something – so happy to hear I’m not alone there! I’ll definitely try to keep in mind to chill out and take a breath next time that happens 🙂
Tessa / Bramble & Thorn
I have social anxiety (okay, so it’s not officially diagnosed, but I always get really nervous around people I don’t know well), so accomplishing something as simple as holding a good conversation makes me feel incredibly proud (*pats self on the back*). I do my best to listen in conversations, but at the same time I wonder, “Oh gosh, what can I respond to to keep this conversation moving?” and sometimes I hear one thing, think of a quick response, hold on to it, and thus let the rest of the conversation drift by. It’s a horrible tactic. Being calm and breathing would definitely help with this! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey’s
So true! When I’m with a group of my girlfriends we are all toppling over each other trying to speak and it’s so exhausting.
YES! It reminded me of a quote in my school library: ‘If we were meant to speak more than listen, we would have one ear and two mouths’.
Interesting! I think I am a good listener. I certainly remember more of what people tell me than the other way round. I always find it quite disappointing that people forget what I’ve said to them.
This is so interesting. I always like to ask questions in conversations, especially with those I don’t know well. Often, I’m genuinely interested with the answers, and it gives us something to keep talking about. On the flip side, you can ask too many questions (I have fallen into this trap before.) It’s a conversation, not an interview.
I love the third tip! It’s something I never would have thought of, but it’s so true. I try hard to actually listen people, because I know when I’m talking it always feels good to know that someone is listening to me. I always feel bad when I realize I’m not fully listening to whoever is speaking to me.
Nice post! It’s good to think about this actually #reflectiontime #redoingconversationsinmyhead
Thx!
Great point – this is something that I have read before and aim to regularly remind myself, as it’s just so easy to forget! Love the blog by the way. 🙂
Great post Mel 😀
I think I should pay more attention to the #3: Breathe.
Hope you’re having a wonderful day 😀
Yes, I need to pay more attention to that. But whenever I really actively listen to someone talking about something important to them, they sense it and open up in a way I didn´t expect. That is always a wonderful experience 🙂
I consider myself to be a somewhat decent listener and it seems people like to come to me for advice and to share their news and issues…and it makes me feel good to be able to help even if it is just to let them vent. However, I find that when it is the other way around, whenever I try to share my news and issues it seems like I hit a wall…so frustrating. So I end up not sharing much, and lately I’ve been less approachable in that sense, which doesn’t help anybody… I guess this just comes to show that listening goes both ways and we should all take it into account…if we want others to listen and pay attention to what we’re sharing we should do the same when it comes to them 🙂
YES. I noticed that I was struggling with this back in college and challenged myself to start remembering things people told me so that I could follow up with them about it (“____ has a test on Friday, I should ask her how it went.) It really increased my listening abilities and I learned that when you show others that you’re genuinely interested in them, they become genuinely interested in you, and then you don’t have to stress as much about getting your point across. 🙂
Absolutely love this post! Such a valuable lesson and so convicting too. I tend to think of myself as a strong listener, but I can totally recognize times where I find myself wanting to insert my opinion instead of truly paying attention to what my friend is saying. Thanks for the reminder!
I have this struggle with a friend of mine. I don’t think he listens to me so much as he’s waiting for the time to speak. It drives me crazy sometimes but then I find that more and more, I’m doing the same thing. Guilty!